Gayle Webber ATM

I’mma be real for a second…

Ok. So wtf?

Why is it that every girl I date has a history of sexual abuse?

I asked dude, and all he coudl come up with was, “I dunno.”

Right. So last night I was out at the bar with this girl I know (not the almost-shit-in-hand one). Before bar close we left, and went for a walk down by the river.

We walked down this road that was closed (like, because of flooding or something?) so there was no traffic or anything. 

We sit down over by some basketball courts and like a skate park or some shit, and were hanging out. Talkin. Smoking. Shootin the shit. 

She’s givin me a handy, and I’m lookin out over the river. She’s giving me a tough time, because every time I hear the ducks quacking and fucking around, I start to laugh. 

Well, we’re hanging out and doin our thing, and we’re having a great time & I’m really feelin it because theres this whole getting caught element to it all. 

Well, she catches me kinda zoning out staring at this big hospital looking thing, and breaks my daze with a comment:

“I’ve been there.”

I kinda snap out of it, and was all like, “Right on. Thats crazy.”

And she sort of stopped and was like, “What?”

I said, “That’s crazy you were born there.”

And she like, sighed/exhaled and said, “I wasn’t born there. I said I’ve been there. I was there in December.”

I was like, “Ok.” 

And now I’m kinda confused. 

So I ask, “For, what? What is that building?”

She nonchalantly says, “Prairie.” 

And I kind of give her this stupid I’m-not-from-here look.

“It’s a mental hospital. I was institutionalized.”

“Really?”

“Yah. I went completely crazy. Strapped down and sedated crazy.” she pauses to take a drag, “I was raped by my babysitter when I was 8, but didin’t realize it until last December.”

And she said it pretty nonchalantly. The same way someone would say, “You got some mail. I put it on the table.” 

I could feel my eyes go wide. I lost wood, and she tried a bit to keep going, but I was like, no, I can’t do this. And put it away. 

I don’t know what to do in situations like that, because it fucking upsets me.

Here’s a disclaimer for you dumbshits.

I know this post is written in way that, if someone wanted to, they could misconstrue that I’m condoning or marginalizing abuse.

I’m not, so fuck off.

I just don’t know how to talk about it. I could say, “its awful what happened.” Well, no fucking shit, but it feels like such a disservice. I’m not going to lay down a bed what amount’s to empty platitudes. Nothing I say can make it have not happened, and ya, that shit frustrates me. Is it my job to fix it? I don’t know, and I stay the fuck outta that conversation. 

It’s not like a big red flag - i’m probably going to date this chick - it’s just trippin me out that all these girls I know have these similar backgrounds, and I don’t know wtf that means, for everyone. 

Ok, back to the shit.

And then she got a little upset & distant - like because I “rejected” her sexually? 

I dunno. 

We kinda slow walked back to the car, and she mellowed out and talked about a bunch of stuff, and like - everything was sort of back to how it was at the beginning of the night. I mean, we went and had food after that and everything was cool. 

But like, I had this nagging in the back of my head. I wasn’t shocked about it or anything, but I was so distracted. I couldn’t really figure out what I wasn’t really surprised or anything. It was then, after she dropped me off, I had this realization that every girl I’ve date has this sort of history. 

So now I’m not sure wtf is going on. Is it something I do that attracts girls like that - or is it so prevalent that my odds are really good?

The triggers have made for stressful times. 

I was with a girl once, and we’re really going at it, and I put my hands a certain way on her hips, and she went from enjoying it, to judo-master throwing me off the futon matress. 

Followed by some incoherint screaming, and me nackedly sprinting from bedroom. 

I sat in the living room buck naked for like an hour, yelling through the door, “Whats wrong? What did I do? Are you ok?”, before she unlocked the door, apologized, and explained wtf just happened. 

I had another odd experience involving a girl who ate a bunch of Lithium, drank a bottle of Vodka.

This is a long one. 

She had some problems - I knew that going into it. She was a Native-American chick, who came from a dysfunctional alcoholic family.

The night she drank/ate all that shit was not a good one. She was pretty wacked out for a bit, and then something spooky happened - she went from being obscenely drunk to stone sober.

She also became someone else.

I forget the name she used. I thought she was kidding - I kept calling her by her name. 

“Why are you calling me X? My name is Y? X isn’t here right now.” sort of stuff. 

I backed off after I saw this look in her eye - I can’t put words to it. I get this unsettled feeling just thinking about it.

So I decided to not antagonize her, and rather roll with it. 

She then told me a bunch of horrific stories about her “friend” X, and all the abuse and terrible things that had happened to her, and how sad it was for her friend.

Completely articulate - there was a little slur (sounded like she was drowsy) but like - she explained all this stuff with a stunning amount of clarity. And detail.

All these stories about her Dad, Uncle, Sisters, Brothers Friends, people at school, endless. 

I was seriously freaking out - both because of the content (some real fucking disturbing shit said deadpan) and because of her complete change (and that look in her eye). 

I’ve never seen anything like it, before, or since. 

So she tells me all these stories, and then like, gets up, goes to the bathroom, comes out, sort of smiles and waves, and curls up on the couch. 

I sit at the table for a while, and sort of have a one-sided conversation. I get up, and walk into the livingroom to see if she wants to watch a movie or something, and I realize shes asleap/passed out. 

And I go back into the kitchen, and have a smoke. I was wide the fuck awake by this point.

(Note: I was at her house. I had no phone. I had no car, and she lived almost an hour from me. She came and picked me up.)

I eventually fell asleap on the other couch. 

I woke up to her shit-talking me (as X) about “passing out” and being a pussy. She was drinking, again. She said some stuff about how she’s been up partying all night, and how it was a waste of her time to come get me if all i was going to do was pass out. 

I was all like, “Fuck you talking about, you passed out 3 hours ago.”

She called me a liar. I asked her what the deal was with Y then. She said she’s never heard of her. Got livid.

Had a crazy look in her eye. Bold. Completely Black. Evil. The kind that makes the hairs on the back of your neck stand up. 

She started to shake, and told me I better leave, because when her brother gets home, he was going to put me in the ground. (Her brother was a big crazy violent-felon…just like his Dad). 

I didn’t want to find out, so, I got my shit together mad quick and left. I was walking away, and could hear what sounded like screaming and shit breaking. Like, if someone was trashing a room. That sound. 

It was dawnish, maybe 5? Real quiet in this town of like 300 people, so I could hear well. 

I damm near ran to the Cenex store, which somehow was open. It normally wasn’t open that early (harvest maybe??) bought a pack of smokes, a tall coffee, and a calling card. 

I got a hold of a dude, told him wtf was up, hid in the Cenex for an hour, got picked up, and never talked to her again. 

To this day, I stay the fuck outta that town, and have no idea wtf ever happened to her.

I didn’t date for like, a year after that. 

Only to date a girl who had a lot in common with this other girl (sexual abuse, physical abuse, alcoholic parents, suicide attempts, spent time committed for seeing demons).

So I dunno wtf I’m trying to say here. Wtf?

Why does all this terrible, terrible shit happen to people? 

Happy Mothers Day?

Fuck.